Unsaid Questions to Layered Assumptions as the Effects of Miscommunications in a Relationship: Normal People (2020)

Expressing our thoughts and feelings can be challenging at times. Not everyone can say what's on their mind without calculating it several times before they can say it. Saying something truly from the heart is hard to do. It takes courage for someone to express their feelings. Some are too afraid to speak their minds and end up leaving something unsaid. Then assumptions and questions haunt our days in the future because we can't say them.

So what happens when two people in a relationship avoid communication? A relationship without confrontation will lead to endless assumptions and questions. Avoiding confrontation to maintain a relationship is not the answer. From the portrayal of the characters Marianne and Connell, we can see how their eyes speak more than their mouths. Throughout the series, we can see how these two characters explore what communication is and why confrontation is important. Their character development shows that they are just, normal people.

The series entitled Normal People tells the story of Marianne and Connell's journey to explore their feelings while finding their identity. When they had a relationship in high school, they didn't really talk at school because Connell was a popular student, while Marianne didn't really speak to people. The reason why Marianne often talks to Connell is because Connell's mother works with Marianne's mother. After they graduated from high school, they decided not to continue their relationship because of their continuous misunderstandings. At college, Connell and Marianne met again and then talked about what happened in high school and their respective regrets. They rekindled their relationship filled with continuous miscommunication, like in high school. They eventually end their relationship again, without knowing why they left each other so suddenly. Over the years, they found their respective partners but still communicated with each other. They regretted there were many misunderstandings between them because they kept pushing aside their feelings. In the end, even though they had confessed their feelings to each other, they had to separate, with Connell having to move to New York and Marianne deciding to stay in Scotland.

Every time Connell and Marianne split up or end their relationship, no one really knows the reason why. Both of them just held on to the assumptions they made from the fragments of words they each put together.

Connell: I don’t know what happened with us last summer. Uh, like, when I had to go home and that. See, I kind of hoped that I would have been able to stay here. That you would have let me. Yeah, I , I just, I don’t really know what happened between us, to be honest.

Marianne: You said you wanted to see other people.

Connell: No.

Marianne: I thought you were breaking up with me. You never said anything about wanting to stay here. I… That would have been… Always. Obviously.

Connell: Uh, right, well. I should go. Have a good night, Marianne.

Marianne's habit of knowing that Connell couldn't communicate made her not dare to try to ask Connell about the situation. Marianne is afraid that she will cross Connell's very guarded boundaries. Since Marianne knows Connell can't communicate his feelings, this is projected onto Marianne, making her also remain silent. Unlike Connell, Marianne is able to express her feelings, but she is afraid of how Connell might perceive her if she were to ask him.

There are, of course, many reasons why their communication didn't work. Layers within the characters are the main part of the play. Start with Marianne, who is traumatized, then becomes a people pleaser as she grows up. Growing up in an abusive family, Marianne tried very hard to get people to love her because no one in her family ever loved her. Therefore, Marianne's behavior towards Connell, where she is willing to do anything for Connell to make Connell happy, even if that includes sacrificing her needs, will continue.

Marianne: I don’t know why I can’t make people love me. I think there was something wrong with me when I was born.

What Marianne said is the portrayal of her emotions towards love. She doesn't know how it is to feel loved since she's the one who always tries her best to be loved. When she eventually expresses what happened in the family to Connell, she's scared it might push Connell away.

Connell: Why did you never tell me any of this?

Marianne: I suppose I didn’t want you to think I was damaged, or something. I was probably afraid you wouldn’t want me anymore.

So then, Marianne's act of always accepting people who have done her wrong is her trauma response of never doing anything right in her family's eyes.

As for Connell, his lack of communication about his feelings is rooted in his anxiety. We can flash back to when Connell and Marianne were in a relationship in high school. Connell refused to tell his friends about his relationship with Marianne because apparently he is famous. Marianne was hated and bullied in their school. Connell did nothing. Although Connell was in love with Marianne, his perception of Marianne would definitely change. Connell's mind is already intoxicated with his friends. He's afraid of losing his friends and reputation if anyone ever finds out about Marianne. And when they talked about it later in life, Connell realized that his behavior towards Marianne was so cruel.

Connell: I’m really sorry. Apparently everybody knew about it anyway.

Marianne: Knew what?

Connell: That we were seeing each other.

Marianne: I didn’t tell anyone. I swear to God.

Connell: I know that’s not what I mean. My point is, is that even if you had told people, it wouldn’t have mattered. [Watch here for the full scene]

Unfortunately, It was a little too late for Connell to find that out. His behavior could not be undone.

Connell's anxiety gets worse as he moves into college. It is difficult to adapt to a different environment when someone has anxiety, let alone finding his identity. He could not figure himself out.

Connell: I feel like I'm walking around trying on a hundred different versions of myself. It’s just not working.

This difficulty in finding one's identity is never expressed to anyone else apart from Marianne. For Connell, only Marianne can understand his feelings. And luckily, Marianne always accepted Connell with open arms. Whenever Connell needs Marianne, she will always be there, even when it's different versions of Connell that she knows. The effect of Connell's confusion with himself results in not being able to transfer his thoughts into words because he's calculating a ton on his mind. Rather than choosing words that might hurt people, he stayed silent.

Knowing the character's psychological background factors on why it's difficult for them to communicate, there are sociological factors we must pay attention to. Perhaps we should recall Connell and Marianne's social backgrounds. Connell's mother works for Marianne's family. Of course, there are unspeakable words and understanding towards each other. The reason why they don't talk when they are both often in the same house is Connell's self-consciousness about not talking to his 'boss.' When they finally talk, Connell has always put himself back a little bit, making distance from Marianne. The complexity of Connell's mind of not being able to speak with Marianne at school is because he's friends with the popular rich boys. He is kind to Marianne outside of school but fears losing his friends. His ego defeats him to be still with his friends, although what he does to Marianne is cruel.

The social class difference between Connell and Marianne affects how they think. It's an inevitable situation where the two of them can't talk it out since they process their problems differently, regarding their social backgrounds. Throughout the series, Marianne finds temporary relief by moving out or going on a vacation. On the other hand, Connell has to calculate his every move. Perhaps worry about more things economically.

The social and psychological background of characters affects how they perceive a situation. The relationship between Connell and Marianne is complex due to the trauma they both endured. As a result, their relationship revolves around unsaid questions, leading to layered assumptions about each other.